Dear Miho,
I MISS YOU SO MUCH. Why'd you have to tear my heart out like that.. I know it's not your fault and it's actually better now that you're not suffering anymore. But now I hurt more than I ever thought was possible and I am doing everything I can to remember every single moment together.
I've slept in your bedroom the past two nights hoping when I fall asleep maybe you'd do something crazy like talk to me through a dream--let's face it, it's totally something you would do. You haven't come thru though...!!! It's okay I can wait, take your time. I love you heart emoticon
And it seems that everyone's sharing pictures and memories of you, so heres some pics of when you exposed me to mama about my first time getting drunk in college T.T
thank you miho :') i'm so
sorry it ended this way but I will see you again, i promiseu."and no, it don't make sense
the way the world can let you fall--
i swear it don't make sense to me at all"
------------
i knew this was coming from day one
not that i never hoped for a miracle
but it was the mindset i had to take on
simply to cope.
but then i cast you into the grave so early
so i wouldn't have to deal with the heartache
coming up with excuses not to hang out
because i didn't know what to say
turns out it hurts either way.
i went unmedicated for four days straight
which is why it felt impossible to speak up
or even remember anything
i was mad at myself
but you'd've been proud of me for remembering today
mom's worried you weren't happy
i know a lot of the time you weren't
bc mental illness is such a bitch
but you brought happiness to so many people
your classmates
our church
the friends you made on deviantart and fanfiction.net who you actually kept in touch with unlike me
people who mom and i didn't know existed
we realized way too late how important your presence was in others' lives.
i know i wasn't here when you said this
but i know you wanted me to pursue my faith
i don't know gurl
i could use some heavenly peace
but you know how i am
i don't like taking benefits from a faith i can't completely stand by
if the God you so steadfastly hung on to
the one i'm trying to disown but failing
if he's who you're with now
then i promise i'm not mad.
you loved with a palpable something
i can only strive to sort of emulate
like i can write songs to express my love
but you actually went out to the trenches to show it
it still kinda baffles me
how compassion ran so naturally in your blood
and i had to work so hard to learn it
i'm still studying you
i'm sorry our childhood was mostly me being mad at you
purely because you threw up every time you were sick
not gonna lie, you made me emetophobic
but somehow you freed me of that as well
i'm going to your room now to reclaim stuff
that you 'stole' from me over the years
sorry not sorry, i'm taking your art supplies
and creative writing journals
because i could really use your genius these days
the HF theatre mantra destroys me more and more as i grow older and disillusioned, but you truly embodied its spirit:
live the moment
seize the day
love every minute
'cause there's only one today
i love you mehhoh, as much as this broken emmeh heart can muster. heavens bless you bc you probably loved me 10x more.
you are gone, and i am here.
f--- f---... f---
======
(葬儀後、棺の中のみんの顔が、どう見てもいつものみんと違っていて、私たちは納得がいかなかったので、ま〜やに頼んでいつものみんのアイメークをしてもらっているところ。 #OnlySistersCanDoThis)
(今年の2月中旬にエミとま〜やが帰省した後、東海岸に戻ってしまってからの3人の間のやり取り。)
(昨年の夏、まずエミとま〜やがおそろいのタトゥーを入れ、それからみんが同じものを入れたときの記念撮影。)
(エミがみんの葬儀で歌ってくれた歌。この動画で歌っているのはエミではありません。)
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みんちゃんは、精一杯、生きて、大切な温かいご家族と大切なお友達に恵まれて、本当に神様の栄光をあらわして、この世に生きて、そして、今、天国でも、愛するご家族とお友達とに、これからも生き、そして、この世を去らなくてはいけなくなるまでの生き方を示してくれたのですね。本当に立派ですね。
それから、エミちゃんの英語のお言葉のWe will be like him.は、私も大切にさせていただきます。
そして、3姉妹のHALLELUJAH ANYWAYのタトウーのお言葉に、私も、この世で生きて、美しく天国へ旅立つ人となれるように、祈って、様々な試練に負けずに、最後まで、歩みたいと思わせていただいています。
今、エミちゃんの歌、聴かせていただきました。それを聴いて、私は、やわらかい、気持のよい天国にいるような雰囲気になりました。
そして、愛である神様の深い慰めが、伝わって来ました。
中村ファミリーが、これからも、主の愛に包まれて、その尊い働きに、祝福がありますようにお祈りさせていただきます。
そして、イエス様からの平安の内に心が守られますようにお祈りいたします。
みんちゃんは、今、イエス様にとても近い場所にいらっしゃるのですね。
そして、中村ファミリーに、そして、私にも、どんな時も、共に歩んでくださる愛であるイエス様の存在を教えてくれて、励ましてくれるのですね。