Facebookで、C.S.ルイスの"A Grief Observed"（悲しみを見つめて）からの引用を見た。私はこの本を、１０年くらい前に映画『Shadowlands』を観たあとで読んだのだけれど、最愛の妻を失った後のルイスの苦しみがあまりにも生々しく綴られていて、短い本なのになかなか読み進められなかったものだった。
Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don’t care whether I meet her or not? Consider, Lord, how it looks to us. What would anyone think of me if I said to the boys, ‘No toffee now. But when you’ve grown up and don’t really want toffee you shall have as much of it as you choose?’
If I knew that to be eternally divided from H. and eternally forgotten by her would add a greater joy and splendour to her being, of course I’d say ‘Fire ahead’. Just as if, on earth, I could have cured her cancer by never seeing her again, I’d have arranged never to see her again. I’d have had to. Any decent person would. But that’s quite different. That’s not the situation I’m in.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer’. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask - half our great theological and metaphysical problems― are like that.
今日改めてこの箇所を読んで、１０年前には感じなかったことをひしひしと感じた。今の私には、神様のsilent, certainly not uncompassionate, gazeはとてもfamiliarだから。I know how it's like. He has given me that gaze, too. ああ、ルイスはなんて上手に表現するのだろう。‘No answer', but not the locked door.
私には理解できないという現実を受け入れつつ、なお平安のうちに留まれること…「黄色とは、四角ですか、丸ですか？」という次元の質問しかできない私を、神様は優しく抱き取ってくださる。Oh, that gaze! That familiar gaze! Full of compassion, full of mercy, and full of assurance! His gaze embraces my fearful, trembling soul.
Then He says, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
"Peace, My beloved; you don't understand."